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Archive for the ‘Relationship’ Category

Relationship

July 10, 2007

1,440 Minutes in a day

Met on August 21, 1986
Separated on May 31, 2007
Moved out on June 23, 2007
Lease on apt. is up on Dec. 22, 2007
Move back in, Move along. Do over?

I’ve been crying since May 31, 2007. Daily, actually late at night early morning(ly). Sometimes I forget. Then I remember, and I cry.

He traded in Gold for pyrite.
Sparkly on the outside and nothing on the inside.

Today is July 10, 2007. Clock started on June 22, 2007
18 days I’ve slept alone and kept my own counsel. I’ve eaten most days. I’ve slept some days. I’ve worked, cleaned and tried to function through what can only be grief. I don’t dream anymore. I have a gleam in my eyes but it is from tears. I look hurt. Make-up can’t hide my eyes. I am hurt.

This morning I realized he’d trade all of me for a a chance at someone else. Just trade me for hope. A what if, a fantasy. I tap danced on my ego and wiped off my face.

He says “he needs to not see or hear from me for a while. Just until he wonders what I’m doing”. To see if there’s anything there. WTF? 20 years it took me to disappear. Actually, the number keeps changing, it could have only been 11years. Possibly 14. But who’s counting, my personal cloaking device is on.

I’m supposed to find my anger. I think I packed it and now it’s MIA. Or maybe I left it at his house. I need to pick that up. The problem is every time I go there I get flustered, teary eyed and Friggin’ homesick. Yes, Homesick. I built a home, not a dwelling or a residence. A home. It’s not a home anymore. It’s a house. HIS House. And the rest of my family, my two other cats.

I need things, I don’t have a strong, tall man in my life to do them for me now. I need a step ladder, I need mixing bowls. I need hugs, and kisses, and kind words, and support. but I don’t have these things. I’m 38 and I have 1035 sq. ft of “my space”. And only my arms to hold me tight. Alone sucks. Occasionally he’ll hold me, to help me “get it together”. But I just miss it even more. I went to his house today, intentionally or not I had 35 minutes. TO get my stuff and move along. I’m not trusted in the house alone anymore? Ouch. His watch beeper actually went off. He had “dry cleaning” to pick up. Who sets their watch for dry cleaning? Reminder? maybe. Whatever, I gave him the damn watch for our anniversary a few years ago. He lives on my time. (HA! Just a little before sunrise humor there. Aren’t I fun?)

My breathing, looking, speaking, walking self annoys him. SO that’s what Love looks like after a lifetime. 4 white walls, noises upstairs, downstairs and next door. It’s friggin‘ rained everyday since we broke up. It’s probably my fault too.

Now that I’ve downloaded all of this out of my brain, maybe I can go to sleep. But the thunder and the lightning…..they startle me too. Plus, the cat I have is looking to me for comfort, so I’ll hug the cat and the pillow a little harder and we’ll get through….all of it.

180 days -18 days = 162 days. Tick-tock. Chin-up

Get a job. Maintain radio silence. Oh yeah, I apparently call him 2-3 times a day and this is not good. Except, I don’t. But because he has told me this and others, yes plural, I know I make him uncomfortable. So, the polite thing to do is not call him. E-mail, it has no tone of voice. That’s the ticket. So I haven’t called him for 6 days now. But I’m not counting anything. Okay, maybe everything. I’m trying to get perspective. And I keep hoping there is a nice (mathematical) solution to everything. My next thoughts are a voodoo priestess.

7/10/2007 3:05 am

Relationship

July 6, 2007

Is this a good thing?

Sometimes people don’t recognise a good thing when they have it. This is unfortunate for the good thing, or in this case the person who is good.

I know I’m stable (most days), I’m reliable, warm, funny, and easy to be around. I take things in stride that topple others. I never expected life to be easy and I never expected the obstacles I’ve had to hurdle. But I have. And I can look back at the track I’ve run and be proud of how I carried myself (mostly). I look forward and see more challenges and envision tackling them with ease. I’m not a super hero, but I am starting to believe that I have all the tools I need for life. I hope for a good life and I would surely love to have whip cream and cherries if everything works out right. For me whip cream and cherries is the love of someone who isn’t related to me by blood. I love my family, and I love the security that family provides. But here I’m talking about Wants. I want the man I chose 20 years ago to love me back. I want him to wake up in the morning, look at me and in his mind for him to say “THIS is the woman I love.” I don’t want to be second string. I don’t want to have to ask if he loves me back. I don’t want to feel awkward around him, or tongue tied. Or worse to be ignored and taken for granted. I will always be the support team, and somewhat like the “help”. To be seen and not heard and not noticed. Just part of the landscape. But these are wants. I know I’m not perfect, but I should have someone who supports me emotionally. That’s really heavy lifting to put on your own shoulders. When you are supporting a relationship for two, one person can get weighed down. My shoulders are tired. My heart and soul are crushing under the weight.

In a relationship the hard part isn’t the words themselves or necessarily the actions, the hard part is analysing your partners feelings and digesting “true meanings”. What did they say to push your buttons? And we have so many buttons. Anger, happiness, sadness, passion, disgust, Love, etc. Once you cut through the outer layers of words and tone, and body language, what was he or she trying to say. Because it seems the most important things are the hardest to get out the way you want them. I love you becomes a motto/mantra and loses its power. SO you show your love, make dinner, take care of them when they are sick, rub their shoulders when they are tired, and snuggle them when they sleep. You “lighten the load”. But sometimes when things have been unsaid for too long, you realise that you now have the whole load and the other person has forgotten you. They have no intention of coming to relieve you of the burden. Now that they are free of all that weight, they stray. They look for someone else who doesn’t have all that “baggage”. Ultimately, the good person, gets taken for granted.

I have come to believe that one of my stronger characteristics is being a utility player. I played softball for a long time and was pretty damn good. But I was good at everything, therefore, I was a utility player. A chameleon. I have managed to transfer these skills to my life. I blend, fit in, make things right, run the hard course, or the easy course and I always do it because it must be done. Or should be done, or just plain can be done, and wouldn’t that be lovely?

Now all I have to do is get the attention of the man I love without annoying him and things will be grand. I don’t have a vision of how to make him love me again. I don’t have a plan. I’m not comfortable with fog in my life.You can get hurt if you can’t see where you a going. I know I’m trying to fix something I have no control over. Something that affects me, that could destroy me and I have to place a lot of trust in someone else. I can do anything for 6 months. And I’m already 2 weeks down. I just need to move on and let things shake out. This is not in my nature. This is what feels wrong to me. Eventually, he will sort his feelings out and we will be able to discuss us. OUR RELATIONSHIP. No one else. I would like undivided attention but I’m not naive enough to think I will ever get it. Procrastination, avoidance, and unease, are all his survival tools. Last resort, get angry and push my buttons. Make me think I’m at fault or not good enough. Not pretty, not desirable, not….enough. For him. But “there’s someone out there who can give me what I deserve”. Just not him, not now, maybe later. His Modis operandi, I need to figure this out soon. Because precedent has been set and this isn’t the path I want to be on.