Bloggin Bear - The inexplicable adventures of an enigma

Archive for July, 2007

Daily delights

July 19, 2007

And More.

Actually, I left some parts out. I have recently become single (After 20 years). And whilst I was unpacking boxes I hadn’t opened since…..forever. I came across my old magazines. You know the ones of which I speak. Circus, cream, special editions on every band that had long hair, ever. And I found, IN MINT CONDITION, the Poison special edition, poster collection and rare photos. I took this (OMG ancient), they so don’t look like this anymore, mag with me to the concert. It’s why I got CiCi to come over to me. I was back by the bar, saw him by the dressing room, and pulled it out of my bag, he did a double take and came over “Holy Shit, be real quiet and I’ll sign it for you”. Was all said while he flipped through his youth on the pages of that magazine. It’s from……1988. He signed the cover and slunk away. Brett signed the same mag later at the bar.

To ebay, or not to ebay. I need to take pictures and figure out how to post them to my site.

Daily delights

July 18, 2007

Rocklahoma /Poison in OKC

This is a copy of the letter I sent an on-line aquaintance about my weekend adventures.


A few months ago you told me about this pissant little concert that was gonna come to Oklahoma. The web site was crap, no bands were really up there and it was on a farm in the middle of July, in the middle of nowhere. But there was gonna be Poison and Ratt, and a few other 80′s bands. Oh yeah, it was also gonna be 2 days long.

Here’s what really happened, It rained every day in June and almost every day up to and during the “Rock Festival”. Every Band you had ever heard of in the 80′s that had even a remote connection to Metal or Glam, showed up to play. The headliners went on at 11:30pm and off at 2 am. Those two days initially advertised? Try 4 instead. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. All day every day. Every middle aged metal head in a 6 state area got lost in Oklahoma looking for this place. But still they made it somehow. It basically, sold out for all intents and purposes. It Rocked and rolled and there were great gobs of fun to be had. And it was muddy, dirty, loud, and you know, 100% Rockin’.

And If like me you looked to the east and said “Screw that, I’m not getting muddy in 100% humidity, In a field with chiggers, and mosquitos with West Nile virus. I just wanna see Poison, and Ratt. So you say “I’m not driving in the dark to a field in the middle of nowhere at 9:00pm. to get home at four. What you did was instead, the next day went to Oklahoma City and saw Ratt / Poison in the zoo Ampitheatre. But since you are way anal, you got there way early, and realized you were playing bus tag with Cici’s bus all the way from Tulsa to the damn Concert! (This was very cool!) I didn’t know it was them, unmarked bus, UNLIKE Mr. Michaels. So anyway SInce you bought your ticket online that morning over coffee you decide to go ahead and get the VIP ticket for $30 more. What the hell maybe you’ll be able to see better. Besides its gonna be fun, total ticket price $90 something (they charged taxes). So when you got here 2-3 hours early, they give you back/side stage passes, the entire front of the stage and air-conditoned bathrooms and personal bars. You have scored. Your also like 15 feet from the dressing rooms and can chat with all the personnel. It was awesome. I was basically on the stage. They were right there, and we got the best show ever. They stopped and talked to us between bands and were actually personable! Oh yeah, and you saw all the families and the new babies and what can only be called the wet nurses. In six inch-stilletto, thigh high, vinyl boots. They came in 2 colors; original and mud. Long night, great show.

Then you find out from security that after the show the some members of the band are going in town to sign autographas at a bar. Oh yeah, and photos are allowed. Of course, this is the new middle-aged after party. You do still have a 2 hour drive home after the concert and the “after party”. So ofcourse it’s only almost midnight you go to the bar. you meet Brett, take a HORRIBLE cell phone picture with him, and then get a caffeine jolt and hit the road. It’s 1:30am. No problem, 2 hours to home! You get home at 4A.M. you are still too razzed (and cussing the two lane turnpike drivers) to sleep. Dawn, You crash. But you had a great time and will ALWAYS spend the extra $30.00 from now ’til forever. The end.

P.S. And your not even a little embarrassed to tell people you went to the concert.(Alone). :) And no one saw your boobs, dammit, quit asking! :)
That last q? What my ex -other half asked when I got back. Nice.
The funny part was Both Ratt and Poison kept thanking Oklahoma for putting on Rocklahoma, and how they were all grateful. And that we rocked and THEY’D SEE US NEXT YEAR. Also rumors of REALLY big bands that the promoters are trying to recruit. AC/DC anyone?
Remember these bands?

Quiet Riot
Twisted Sister
Faster Pussy CAt
Vince Neil’s new Band (Had to have a least the face man of Motley Crue, represent!)
LA Guns
and More here:

And then there were the side stages.


Please, I couldn’t wait to see the Rock of Love show. It’s too damn funny!!! I already think I’d kill about four of the girls left. Nice that he whacked 11 chicks in the first hour and a half. They gotta slow down or this will only be 3 weeks long!!! Also, another too damn funny one is the Scott baio one. OMG what a whiner!!!!! Oh, poor Scott and Brett, they get too much nookie! Give me a break. I love that Brett is at least upfront about all of it. He’s not gonna pick anyone that won’t give him what he wants. They need to get him so equals though. These chicks are all wanna be slaves.

Well that was my personal adventure somewhat. You told me back then, I’d have to tell you all about it. So Viola’!!!

Anyway Ciao for now.

Daily delights

July 16, 2007

So Many things…

1) Ratt/Poison In OKC zoo amphitheatre this past Saturday.
Past Monday 2) Signed up on
Past Wednesday 3) signed up on

2000 men, one needed. *sigh*

More on all later.


July 10, 2007

1,440 Minutes in a day

Met on August 21, 1986
Separated on May 31, 2007
Moved out on June 23, 2007
Lease on apt. is up on Dec. 22, 2007
Move back in, Move along. Do over?

I’ve been crying since May 31, 2007. Daily, actually late at night early morning(ly). Sometimes I forget. Then I remember, and I cry.

He traded in Gold for pyrite.
Sparkly on the outside and nothing on the inside.

Today is July 10, 2007. Clock started on June 22, 2007
18 days I’ve slept alone and kept my own counsel. I’ve eaten most days. I’ve slept some days. I’ve worked, cleaned and tried to function through what can only be grief. I don’t dream anymore. I have a gleam in my eyes but it is from tears. I look hurt. Make-up can’t hide my eyes. I am hurt.

This morning I realized he’d trade all of me for a a chance at someone else. Just trade me for hope. A what if, a fantasy. I tap danced on my ego and wiped off my face.

He says “he needs to not see or hear from me for a while. Just until he wonders what I’m doing”. To see if there’s anything there. WTF? 20 years it took me to disappear. Actually, the number keeps changing, it could have only been 11years. Possibly 14. But who’s counting, my personal cloaking device is on.

I’m supposed to find my anger. I think I packed it and now it’s MIA. Or maybe I left it at his house. I need to pick that up. The problem is every time I go there I get flustered, teary eyed and Friggin’ homesick. Yes, Homesick. I built a home, not a dwelling or a residence. A home. It’s not a home anymore. It’s a house. HIS House. And the rest of my family, my two other cats.

I need things, I don’t have a strong, tall man in my life to do them for me now. I need a step ladder, I need mixing bowls. I need hugs, and kisses, and kind words, and support. but I don’t have these things. I’m 38 and I have 1035 sq. ft of “my space”. And only my arms to hold me tight. Alone sucks. Occasionally he’ll hold me, to help me “get it together”. But I just miss it even more. I went to his house today, intentionally or not I had 35 minutes. TO get my stuff and move along. I’m not trusted in the house alone anymore? Ouch. His watch beeper actually went off. He had “dry cleaning” to pick up. Who sets their watch for dry cleaning? Reminder? maybe. Whatever, I gave him the damn watch for our anniversary a few years ago. He lives on my time. (HA! Just a little before sunrise humor there. Aren’t I fun?)

My breathing, looking, speaking, walking self annoys him. SO that’s what Love looks like after a lifetime. 4 white walls, noises upstairs, downstairs and next door. It’s friggin‘ rained everyday since we broke up. It’s probably my fault too.

Now that I’ve downloaded all of this out of my brain, maybe I can go to sleep. But the thunder and the lightning…..they startle me too. Plus, the cat I have is looking to me for comfort, so I’ll hug the cat and the pillow a little harder and we’ll get through….all of it.

180 days -18 days = 162 days. Tick-tock. Chin-up

Get a job. Maintain radio silence. Oh yeah, I apparently call him 2-3 times a day and this is not good. Except, I don’t. But because he has told me this and others, yes plural, I know I make him uncomfortable. So, the polite thing to do is not call him. E-mail, it has no tone of voice. That’s the ticket. So I haven’t called him for 6 days now. But I’m not counting anything. Okay, maybe everything. I’m trying to get perspective. And I keep hoping there is a nice (mathematical) solution to everything. My next thoughts are a voodoo priestess.

7/10/2007 3:05 am


July 6, 2007

Is this a good thing?

Sometimes people don’t recognise a good thing when they have it. This is unfortunate for the good thing, or in this case the person who is good.

I know I’m stable (most days), I’m reliable, warm, funny, and easy to be around. I take things in stride that topple others. I never expected life to be easy and I never expected the obstacles I’ve had to hurdle. But I have. And I can look back at the track I’ve run and be proud of how I carried myself (mostly). I look forward and see more challenges and envision tackling them with ease. I’m not a super hero, but I am starting to believe that I have all the tools I need for life. I hope for a good life and I would surely love to have whip cream and cherries if everything works out right. For me whip cream and cherries is the love of someone who isn’t related to me by blood. I love my family, and I love the security that family provides. But here I’m talking about Wants. I want the man I chose 20 years ago to love me back. I want him to wake up in the morning, look at me and in his mind for him to say “THIS is the woman I love.” I don’t want to be second string. I don’t want to have to ask if he loves me back. I don’t want to feel awkward around him, or tongue tied. Or worse to be ignored and taken for granted. I will always be the support team, and somewhat like the “help”. To be seen and not heard and not noticed. Just part of the landscape. But these are wants. I know I’m not perfect, but I should have someone who supports me emotionally. That’s really heavy lifting to put on your own shoulders. When you are supporting a relationship for two, one person can get weighed down. My shoulders are tired. My heart and soul are crushing under the weight.

In a relationship the hard part isn’t the words themselves or necessarily the actions, the hard part is analysing your partners feelings and digesting “true meanings”. What did they say to push your buttons? And we have so many buttons. Anger, happiness, sadness, passion, disgust, Love, etc. Once you cut through the outer layers of words and tone, and body language, what was he or she trying to say. Because it seems the most important things are the hardest to get out the way you want them. I love you becomes a motto/mantra and loses its power. SO you show your love, make dinner, take care of them when they are sick, rub their shoulders when they are tired, and snuggle them when they sleep. You “lighten the load”. But sometimes when things have been unsaid for too long, you realise that you now have the whole load and the other person has forgotten you. They have no intention of coming to relieve you of the burden. Now that they are free of all that weight, they stray. They look for someone else who doesn’t have all that “baggage”. Ultimately, the good person, gets taken for granted.

I have come to believe that one of my stronger characteristics is being a utility player. I played softball for a long time and was pretty damn good. But I was good at everything, therefore, I was a utility player. A chameleon. I have managed to transfer these skills to my life. I blend, fit in, make things right, run the hard course, or the easy course and I always do it because it must be done. Or should be done, or just plain can be done, and wouldn’t that be lovely?

Now all I have to do is get the attention of the man I love without annoying him and things will be grand. I don’t have a vision of how to make him love me again. I don’t have a plan. I’m not comfortable with fog in my life.You can get hurt if you can’t see where you a going. I know I’m trying to fix something I have no control over. Something that affects me, that could destroy me and I have to place a lot of trust in someone else. I can do anything for 6 months. And I’m already 2 weeks down. I just need to move on and let things shake out. This is not in my nature. This is what feels wrong to me. Eventually, he will sort his feelings out and we will be able to discuss us. OUR RELATIONSHIP. No one else. I would like undivided attention but I’m not naive enough to think I will ever get it. Procrastination, avoidance, and unease, are all his survival tools. Last resort, get angry and push my buttons. Make me think I’m at fault or not good enough. Not pretty, not desirable, not….enough. For him. But “there’s someone out there who can give me what I deserve”. Just not him, not now, maybe later. His Modis operandi, I need to figure this out soon. Because precedent has been set and this isn’t the path I want to be on.