Bloggin Bear - The inexplicable adventures of an enigma

Archive for July 6th, 2007


July 6, 2007

Is this a good thing?

Sometimes people don’t recognise a good thing when they have it. This is unfortunate for the good thing, or in this case the person who is good.

I know I’m stable (most days), I’m reliable, warm, funny, and easy to be around. I take things in stride that topple others. I never expected life to be easy and I never expected the obstacles I’ve had to hurdle. But I have. And I can look back at the track I’ve run and be proud of how I carried myself (mostly). I look forward and see more challenges and envision tackling them with ease. I’m not a super hero, but I am starting to believe that I have all the tools I need for life. I hope for a good life and I would surely love to have whip cream and cherries if everything works out right. For me whip cream and cherries is the love of someone who isn’t related to me by blood. I love my family, and I love the security that family provides. But here I’m talking about Wants. I want the man I chose 20 years ago to love me back. I want him to wake up in the morning, look at me and in his mind for him to say “THIS is the woman I love.” I don’t want to be second string. I don’t want to have to ask if he loves me back. I don’t want to feel awkward around him, or tongue tied. Or worse to be ignored and taken for granted. I will always be the support team, and somewhat like the “help”. To be seen and not heard and not noticed. Just part of the landscape. But these are wants. I know I’m not perfect, but I should have someone who supports me emotionally. That’s really heavy lifting to put on your own shoulders. When you are supporting a relationship for two, one person can get weighed down. My shoulders are tired. My heart and soul are crushing under the weight.

In a relationship the hard part isn’t the words themselves or necessarily the actions, the hard part is analysing your partners feelings and digesting “true meanings”. What did they say to push your buttons? And we have so many buttons. Anger, happiness, sadness, passion, disgust, Love, etc. Once you cut through the outer layers of words and tone, and body language, what was he or she trying to say. Because it seems the most important things are the hardest to get out the way you want them. I love you becomes a motto/mantra and loses its power. SO you show your love, make dinner, take care of them when they are sick, rub their shoulders when they are tired, and snuggle them when they sleep. You “lighten the load”. But sometimes when things have been unsaid for too long, you realise that you now have the whole load and the other person has forgotten you. They have no intention of coming to relieve you of the burden. Now that they are free of all that weight, they stray. They look for someone else who doesn’t have all that “baggage”. Ultimately, the good person, gets taken for granted.

I have come to believe that one of my stronger characteristics is being a utility player. I played softball for a long time and was pretty damn good. But I was good at everything, therefore, I was a utility player. A chameleon. I have managed to transfer these skills to my life. I blend, fit in, make things right, run the hard course, or the easy course and I always do it because it must be done. Or should be done, or just plain can be done, and wouldn’t that be lovely?

Now all I have to do is get the attention of the man I love without annoying him and things will be grand. I don’t have a vision of how to make him love me again. I don’t have a plan. I’m not comfortable with fog in my life.You can get hurt if you can’t see where you a going. I know I’m trying to fix something I have no control over. Something that affects me, that could destroy me and I have to place a lot of trust in someone else. I can do anything for 6 months. And I’m already 2 weeks down. I just need to move on and let things shake out. This is not in my nature. This is what feels wrong to me. Eventually, he will sort his feelings out and we will be able to discuss us. OUR RELATIONSHIP. No one else. I would like undivided attention but I’m not naive enough to think I will ever get it. Procrastination, avoidance, and unease, are all his survival tools. Last resort, get angry and push my buttons. Make me think I’m at fault or not good enough. Not pretty, not desirable, not….enough. For him. But “there’s someone out there who can give me what I deserve”. Just not him, not now, maybe later. His Modis operandi, I need to figure this out soon. Because precedent has been set and this isn’t the path I want to be on.