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Archive for July 10th, 2007

Relationship

July 10, 2007

1,440 Minutes in a day

Met on August 21, 1986
Separated on May 31, 2007
Moved out on June 23, 2007
Lease on apt. is up on Dec. 22, 2007
Move back in, Move along. Do over?

I’ve been crying since May 31, 2007. Daily, actually late at night early morning(ly). Sometimes I forget. Then I remember, and I cry.

He traded in Gold for pyrite.
Sparkly on the outside and nothing on the inside.

Today is July 10, 2007. Clock started on June 22, 2007
18 days I’ve slept alone and kept my own counsel. I’ve eaten most days. I’ve slept some days. I’ve worked, cleaned and tried to function through what can only be grief. I don’t dream anymore. I have a gleam in my eyes but it is from tears. I look hurt. Make-up can’t hide my eyes. I am hurt.

This morning I realized he’d trade all of me for a a chance at someone else. Just trade me for hope. A what if, a fantasy. I tap danced on my ego and wiped off my face.

He says “he needs to not see or hear from me for a while. Just until he wonders what I’m doing”. To see if there’s anything there. WTF? 20 years it took me to disappear. Actually, the number keeps changing, it could have only been 11years. Possibly 14. But who’s counting, my personal cloaking device is on.

I’m supposed to find my anger. I think I packed it and now it’s MIA. Or maybe I left it at his house. I need to pick that up. The problem is every time I go there I get flustered, teary eyed and Friggin’ homesick. Yes, Homesick. I built a home, not a dwelling or a residence. A home. It’s not a home anymore. It’s a house. HIS House. And the rest of my family, my two other cats.

I need things, I don’t have a strong, tall man in my life to do them for me now. I need a step ladder, I need mixing bowls. I need hugs, and kisses, and kind words, and support. but I don’t have these things. I’m 38 and I have 1035 sq. ft of “my space”. And only my arms to hold me tight. Alone sucks. Occasionally he’ll hold me, to help me “get it together”. But I just miss it even more. I went to his house today, intentionally or not I had 35 minutes. TO get my stuff and move along. I’m not trusted in the house alone anymore? Ouch. His watch beeper actually went off. He had “dry cleaning” to pick up. Who sets their watch for dry cleaning? Reminder? maybe. Whatever, I gave him the damn watch for our anniversary a few years ago. He lives on my time. (HA! Just a little before sunrise humor there. Aren’t I fun?)

My breathing, looking, speaking, walking self annoys him. SO that’s what Love looks like after a lifetime. 4 white walls, noises upstairs, downstairs and next door. It’s friggin‘ rained everyday since we broke up. It’s probably my fault too.

Now that I’ve downloaded all of this out of my brain, maybe I can go to sleep. But the thunder and the lightning…..they startle me too. Plus, the cat I have is looking to me for comfort, so I’ll hug the cat and the pillow a little harder and we’ll get through….all of it.

180 days -18 days = 162 days. Tick-tock. Chin-up

Get a job. Maintain radio silence. Oh yeah, I apparently call him 2-3 times a day and this is not good. Except, I don’t. But because he has told me this and others, yes plural, I know I make him uncomfortable. So, the polite thing to do is not call him. E-mail, it has no tone of voice. That’s the ticket. So I haven’t called him for 6 days now. But I’m not counting anything. Okay, maybe everything. I’m trying to get perspective. And I keep hoping there is a nice (mathematical) solution to everything. My next thoughts are a voodoo priestess.

7/10/2007 3:05 am