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Dating again

August 13, 2007

This pretty much sums up internet dating.

Hi,
You and I have a lot in common and I would like to meet you. I agreed with everything you said and you just wrote it out so eloquently. Then you made me hungry.

I know this is a forward move, and fairly assertive, but the chat for three weeks, intermittently, before we arrange a date, to see if we are who we profess to be is wearing a little thin. I’m fairly new into the dating scene and I haven’t worked out all the little details.

All the excuses and dawdling aside, How would you like to arrange a blind, internet, sushi date? My favorite place in town is Memories of Japan, in Broken Arrow. They even stole my custom roll and put it on the menu!

If this intrigues even a little, then name the day and the time. My profile is accurate, those pictures are me. We really don’t have anything to lose and we both get dinner. Maybe even a very good friendship. Of course there is always the e-mail back and forth :)

I have never been one to follow the “rules” if they were inconvienent. But I can be patient, if necessary. I look forward to hearing from you. Have a great week.

Daily delights

July 19, 2007

And More.

Actually, I left some parts out. I have recently become single (After 20 years). And whilst I was unpacking boxes I hadn’t opened since…..forever. I came across my old magazines. You know the ones of which I speak. Circus, cream, special editions on every band that had long hair, ever. And I found, IN MINT CONDITION, the Poison special edition, poster collection and rare photos. I took this (OMG ancient), they so don’t look like this anymore, mag with me to the concert. It’s why I got CiCi to come over to me. I was back by the bar, saw him by the dressing room, and pulled it out of my bag, he did a double take and came over “Holy Shit, be real quiet and I’ll sign it for you”. Was all said while he flipped through his youth on the pages of that magazine. It’s from……1988. He signed the cover and slunk away. Brett signed the same mag later at the bar.

To ebay, or not to ebay. I need to take pictures and figure out how to post them to my site.

Daily delights

July 18, 2007

Rocklahoma /Poison in OKC

This is a copy of the letter I sent an on-line aquaintance about my weekend adventures.

Chag,

A few months ago you told me about this pissant little concert that was gonna come to Oklahoma. The web site was crap, no bands were really up there and it was on a farm in the middle of July, in the middle of nowhere. But there was gonna be Poison and Ratt, and a few other 80′s bands. Oh yeah, it was also gonna be 2 days long.

Here’s what really happened, It rained every day in June and almost every day up to and during the “Rock Festival”. Every Band you had ever heard of in the 80′s that had even a remote connection to Metal or Glam, showed up to play. The headliners went on at 11:30pm and off at 2 am. Those two days initially advertised? Try 4 instead. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. All day every day. Every middle aged metal head in a 6 state area got lost in Oklahoma looking for this place. But still they made it somehow. It basically, sold out for all intents and purposes. It Rocked and rolled and there were great gobs of fun to be had. And it was muddy, dirty, loud, and you know, 100% Rockin’.

And If like me you looked to the east and said “Screw that, I’m not getting muddy in 100% humidity, In a field with chiggers, and mosquitos with West Nile virus. I just wanna see Poison, and Ratt. So you say “I’m not driving in the dark to a field in the middle of nowhere at 9:00pm. to get home at four. What you did was instead, the next day went to Oklahoma City and saw Ratt / Poison in the zoo Ampitheatre. But since you are way anal, you got there way early, and realized you were playing bus tag with Cici’s bus all the way from Tulsa to the damn Concert! (This was very cool!) I didn’t know it was them, unmarked bus, UNLIKE Mr. Michaels. So anyway SInce you bought your ticket online that morning over coffee you decide to go ahead and get the VIP ticket for $30 more. What the hell maybe you’ll be able to see better. Besides its gonna be fun, total ticket price $90 something (they charged taxes). So when you got here 2-3 hours early, they give you back/side stage passes, the entire front of the stage and air-conditoned bathrooms and personal bars. You have scored. Your also like 15 feet from the dressing rooms and can chat with all the personnel. It was awesome. I was basically on the stage. They were right there, and we got the best show ever. They stopped and talked to us between bands and were actually personable! Oh yeah, and you saw all the families and the new babies and what can only be called the wet nurses. In six inch-stilletto, thigh high, vinyl boots. They came in 2 colors; original and mud. Long night, great show.

Then you find out from security that after the show the some members of the band are going in town to sign autographas at a bar. Oh yeah, and photos are allowed. Of course, this is the new middle-aged after party. You do still have a 2 hour drive home after the concert and the “after party”. So ofcourse it’s only almost midnight you go to the bar. you meet Brett, take a HORRIBLE cell phone picture with him, and then get a caffeine jolt and hit the road. It’s 1:30am. No problem, 2 hours to home! You get home at 4A.M. you are still too razzed (and cussing the two lane turnpike drivers) to sleep. Dawn, You crash. But you had a great time and will ALWAYS spend the extra $30.00 from now ’til forever. The end.

P.S. And your not even a little embarrassed to tell people you went to the concert.(Alone). :) And no one saw your boobs, dammit, quit asking! :)
That last q? What my ex -other half asked when I got back. Nice.
————————-
The funny part was Both Ratt and Poison kept thanking Oklahoma for putting on Rocklahoma, and how they were all grateful. And that we rocked and THEY’D SEE US NEXT YEAR. Also rumors of REALLY big bands that the promoters are trying to recruit. AC/DC anyone?
————————-
Remember these bands?

Quiet Riot
Twisted Sister
Slayer
Faster Pussy CAt
Y&T
Wasp
Ratt
Poison
Vince Neil’s new Band (Had to have a least the face man of Motley Crue, represent!)
Queensryche
Dokken
Warrant
LA Guns
and More here: http://www.rockfeverfest.com/artists.php

And then there were the side stages.

—————————

Please, I couldn’t wait to see the Rock of Love show. It’s too damn funny!!! I already think I’d kill about four of the girls left. Nice that he whacked 11 chicks in the first hour and a half. They gotta slow down or this will only be 3 weeks long!!! Also, another too damn funny one is the Scott baio one. OMG what a whiner!!!!! Oh, poor Scott and Brett, they get too much nookie! Give me a break. I love that Brett is at least upfront about all of it. He’s not gonna pick anyone that won’t give him what he wants. They need to get him so equals though. These chicks are all wanna be slaves.

Well that was my personal adventure somewhat. You told me back then, I’d have to tell you all about it. So Viola’!!!

Anyway Ciao for now.

Daily delights

July 16, 2007

So Many things…

1) Ratt/Poison In OKC zoo amphitheatre this past Saturday.
Past Monday 2) Signed up on singlenet.com
Past Wednesday 3) signed up on Match.com.

2000 men, one needed. *sigh*

More on all later.

Relationship

July 10, 2007

1,440 Minutes in a day

Met on August 21, 1986
Separated on May 31, 2007
Moved out on June 23, 2007
Lease on apt. is up on Dec. 22, 2007
Move back in, Move along. Do over?

I’ve been crying since May 31, 2007. Daily, actually late at night early morning(ly). Sometimes I forget. Then I remember, and I cry.

He traded in Gold for pyrite.
Sparkly on the outside and nothing on the inside.

Today is July 10, 2007. Clock started on June 22, 2007
18 days I’ve slept alone and kept my own counsel. I’ve eaten most days. I’ve slept some days. I’ve worked, cleaned and tried to function through what can only be grief. I don’t dream anymore. I have a gleam in my eyes but it is from tears. I look hurt. Make-up can’t hide my eyes. I am hurt.

This morning I realized he’d trade all of me for a a chance at someone else. Just trade me for hope. A what if, a fantasy. I tap danced on my ego and wiped off my face.

He says “he needs to not see or hear from me for a while. Just until he wonders what I’m doing”. To see if there’s anything there. WTF? 20 years it took me to disappear. Actually, the number keeps changing, it could have only been 11years. Possibly 14. But who’s counting, my personal cloaking device is on.

I’m supposed to find my anger. I think I packed it and now it’s MIA. Or maybe I left it at his house. I need to pick that up. The problem is every time I go there I get flustered, teary eyed and Friggin’ homesick. Yes, Homesick. I built a home, not a dwelling or a residence. A home. It’s not a home anymore. It’s a house. HIS House. And the rest of my family, my two other cats.

I need things, I don’t have a strong, tall man in my life to do them for me now. I need a step ladder, I need mixing bowls. I need hugs, and kisses, and kind words, and support. but I don’t have these things. I’m 38 and I have 1035 sq. ft of “my space”. And only my arms to hold me tight. Alone sucks. Occasionally he’ll hold me, to help me “get it together”. But I just miss it even more. I went to his house today, intentionally or not I had 35 minutes. TO get my stuff and move along. I’m not trusted in the house alone anymore? Ouch. His watch beeper actually went off. He had “dry cleaning” to pick up. Who sets their watch for dry cleaning? Reminder? maybe. Whatever, I gave him the damn watch for our anniversary a few years ago. He lives on my time. (HA! Just a little before sunrise humor there. Aren’t I fun?)

My breathing, looking, speaking, walking self annoys him. SO that’s what Love looks like after a lifetime. 4 white walls, noises upstairs, downstairs and next door. It’s friggin‘ rained everyday since we broke up. It’s probably my fault too.

Now that I’ve downloaded all of this out of my brain, maybe I can go to sleep. But the thunder and the lightning…..they startle me too. Plus, the cat I have is looking to me for comfort, so I’ll hug the cat and the pillow a little harder and we’ll get through….all of it.

180 days -18 days = 162 days. Tick-tock. Chin-up

Get a job. Maintain radio silence. Oh yeah, I apparently call him 2-3 times a day and this is not good. Except, I don’t. But because he has told me this and others, yes plural, I know I make him uncomfortable. So, the polite thing to do is not call him. E-mail, it has no tone of voice. That’s the ticket. So I haven’t called him for 6 days now. But I’m not counting anything. Okay, maybe everything. I’m trying to get perspective. And I keep hoping there is a nice (mathematical) solution to everything. My next thoughts are a voodoo priestess.

7/10/2007 3:05 am

Relationship

July 6, 2007

Is this a good thing?

Sometimes people don’t recognise a good thing when they have it. This is unfortunate for the good thing, or in this case the person who is good.

I know I’m stable (most days), I’m reliable, warm, funny, and easy to be around. I take things in stride that topple others. I never expected life to be easy and I never expected the obstacles I’ve had to hurdle. But I have. And I can look back at the track I’ve run and be proud of how I carried myself (mostly). I look forward and see more challenges and envision tackling them with ease. I’m not a super hero, but I am starting to believe that I have all the tools I need for life. I hope for a good life and I would surely love to have whip cream and cherries if everything works out right. For me whip cream and cherries is the love of someone who isn’t related to me by blood. I love my family, and I love the security that family provides. But here I’m talking about Wants. I want the man I chose 20 years ago to love me back. I want him to wake up in the morning, look at me and in his mind for him to say “THIS is the woman I love.” I don’t want to be second string. I don’t want to have to ask if he loves me back. I don’t want to feel awkward around him, or tongue tied. Or worse to be ignored and taken for granted. I will always be the support team, and somewhat like the “help”. To be seen and not heard and not noticed. Just part of the landscape. But these are wants. I know I’m not perfect, but I should have someone who supports me emotionally. That’s really heavy lifting to put on your own shoulders. When you are supporting a relationship for two, one person can get weighed down. My shoulders are tired. My heart and soul are crushing under the weight.

In a relationship the hard part isn’t the words themselves or necessarily the actions, the hard part is analysing your partners feelings and digesting “true meanings”. What did they say to push your buttons? And we have so many buttons. Anger, happiness, sadness, passion, disgust, Love, etc. Once you cut through the outer layers of words and tone, and body language, what was he or she trying to say. Because it seems the most important things are the hardest to get out the way you want them. I love you becomes a motto/mantra and loses its power. SO you show your love, make dinner, take care of them when they are sick, rub their shoulders when they are tired, and snuggle them when they sleep. You “lighten the load”. But sometimes when things have been unsaid for too long, you realise that you now have the whole load and the other person has forgotten you. They have no intention of coming to relieve you of the burden. Now that they are free of all that weight, they stray. They look for someone else who doesn’t have all that “baggage”. Ultimately, the good person, gets taken for granted.

I have come to believe that one of my stronger characteristics is being a utility player. I played softball for a long time and was pretty damn good. But I was good at everything, therefore, I was a utility player. A chameleon. I have managed to transfer these skills to my life. I blend, fit in, make things right, run the hard course, or the easy course and I always do it because it must be done. Or should be done, or just plain can be done, and wouldn’t that be lovely?

Now all I have to do is get the attention of the man I love without annoying him and things will be grand. I don’t have a vision of how to make him love me again. I don’t have a plan. I’m not comfortable with fog in my life.You can get hurt if you can’t see where you a going. I know I’m trying to fix something I have no control over. Something that affects me, that could destroy me and I have to place a lot of trust in someone else. I can do anything for 6 months. And I’m already 2 weeks down. I just need to move on and let things shake out. This is not in my nature. This is what feels wrong to me. Eventually, he will sort his feelings out and we will be able to discuss us. OUR RELATIONSHIP. No one else. I would like undivided attention but I’m not naive enough to think I will ever get it. Procrastination, avoidance, and unease, are all his survival tools. Last resort, get angry and push my buttons. Make me think I’m at fault or not good enough. Not pretty, not desirable, not….enough. For him. But “there’s someone out there who can give me what I deserve”. Just not him, not now, maybe later. His Modis operandi, I need to figure this out soon. Because precedent has been set and this isn’t the path I want to be on.

Daily delights

May 31, 2007

Game Over, now what

August 21st, 1986 – May 31, 2007

Okay, now what happens?

Daily delights

May 30, 2007

“Lifeus Interuptis”

Well, I haven’t exactly made it back to this site very frequently. I have been busy with on-going daily “lifeus interuptis”. I’m not going into exactly what yet. The work front is pushing forward, but less stressful now that some major issues have been worked through. Hopefully, things will stay on track and we will be on the upswing soon. All Work, Work, Work, and no play is making me bitchy.

Our three day weekend was more like Work from 9 -3 shower, have dinner and games with friends, repeat, daily. It was fun, but so structured and not relaxing, that all the fun actually felt like work. I need a non-thinking holiday. That would be fabulous. That would be a fantasy too, because I tend to need to tend to the details. (Yes, I know. Read it very slowly, out loud.)

Oh well, I have been staring at the walls of the living room again, and I am ready to paint. I have the paint; I have all tools necessary for the job. I don’t want to deal with the tarp, ladder, cat paws (little helpers!), or taping the trim. But really, besides all that I’m ready to go. I also need to paint the hall, the stairs, and the upstairs game room. Woo Hoo. This may not happen as soon as was hoped by the people who are not doing it. Ah house chores; never ending little paycheck diversions to keep life interesting.

On a different note all together, I read several blogs. Okay, I read about 20 but who’s counting? And who’s not blogging everyday? And quit looking at me like that. Anyways, as I was saying so eloquently, I read several blogs. And last week was a crappy week for my on-line “friends”. I don’t mean the little piss ant obstacles of daily life. I mean genuinely crappy life changing information was given to them each about themselves or their families.
For instance, one of them, and I WON’T name names, found out she had cancer, again. It’s skin cancer and is currently “easily removed”, by cutting chunks of her skin out. But this has sent her into a panic about every spot on her body. I understand this.

Tangent ~ my father died of Metastatic Melanoma, skin cancer the got into the cell structures and spread throughout his body. My Father was a very white man, Blond hair, blue eyes, and Cherokee Indian. My Mom is Lebanese. This is important because of a little thing called Melanin in our skin. I have an “olive-complexion”, when I manage to see daylight in the same year you look at me. Otherwise, I am day-glow white, with potential to look Greek. But I digress, when my father was first diagnosed they removed everything with a scalpel, remission, 5 years goes by and Bam it’s back with a vengeance. And of course, during this time my family goes into hyper drive. All of this started with a mole/birthmark my father had since BIRTH. And guess what, my brother has the EXACT same mole/birthmark, in the same damn place. Well my Father lost the second battle. But I started looking at my body and noticing every spot I had. Then I noticed a very small mark on my arm that I would have swore changed shape, color density, EVERYTHING!!!! I of course went to the doctor and told him “Please remove this.” He said “you people don’t get skin cancer.” I’m the wrong type. I informed him I didn’t give damn about his opinion, my FATHER just died of this and I want it gone. Relieve my stress, NOW. He did, we did and then I found out something very interesting. All my aunts and some of my uncles on my father’s side of the family regularly have these spots removed. REGULARLY.
~You should have your skin checked too.

Uh, back to topic. Any way everything about me looked different and I know she is looking at herself this way because it is Cancer and she’s scared. She’s scared of the unknown future. She didn’t know the future last week, but this week it has lost some gloss. She’s worried about her children and family, and really everything. Also, this is an unpredictable type of thing. It could be remove the spots and everything is good, or it could be more. But the doctors don’t know why, or how to prevent it, or how to stop it. Basically, this is Lifeus Interuptis.

I mentioned 2 bloggers. The other one I mention because it is really life altering as well. Well, it will make you take a different path and hopefully it will be just as rewarding. He found out that his child had Autism. This is a very small child under 3. And wanting to be the helpful “Internet friend” we all want to be when lurking, I did a little research on Autism. To try and help him find “meaning”, or cause, or something, to help get through this difficult period of his family’s journey. And I found out, that “they” don’t know what causes Autism, “they” each diagnose it differently, there are no standards to gauge it, and that there is no “cure”. And that it is on the rise in the US since the middle of the 90′s because they redefined it in the medical journals. Basically, they don’t know what IT is. IT has varying levels, IT has no cure (they can’t cure IT if they don’t know what IT is), and there is nothing to do but alter the development plan for the person. In other words, you must now change your plans to meet the child’s path for development. I think this is what you have to do anyway but now your child has a label and a reason to not have to perform at a predetermined level. This will undoubtedly affect the way he and his wife plan and navigate his future. Lifeus Interuptis.

Tangent ~ But teachers are already doing this to children in the US, with the drug called Ritalin. There is no way in HELL that all of a sudden every child who ever attended elementary school is being diagnosed (by their teachers) with ADD or ADHD. Remember when we were kids and your parents said “Oh so and so is hyper active, or YOU had too much sugar and look at all that energy”, well the solution to that generation of parents and every generation that came before then, was to spank the kid and tell him to settle down. But teachers today don’t have a patience level to deal with children who show up in their classrooms and misbehave. They can’t spank them, they can’t threaten them with their parent’s disapproval, and they have NO tools to teach the children. Schools are not free daycare for the parents. ~

There are other blogs that I read but their major life changes didn’t happen last week. They are on-going. The bloggers I enjoy the most are real people, just walking through life with different obstacles in the way and deflecting what they can, when they can. It is kind of rare to actually read through someone’s perfect day, or to not feel tempted to write about what is really grousing you. I haven’t been entirely willing to share my life yet, and I don’t know that there are aspects of it that I will ever share. Humiliating stuff, broken heart stuff, you know the stuff that gets alluded to but never defined? That stuff. I’m working on it. I hope to be able to conquer my “issues”, and to realize some goals. That is hopefully what the future holds.

Daily delights

May 24, 2007

Ahhh, that new blog smell….

This is of course the first entry. I’m still unpacking boxes and decorating the place. It’s still all new and shiny!!!

The goal of this blog is to keep my thoughts in order and to gain some life perspective.

The reality of this blog will probably be a lot of venting and sarcasm; about everything from demoting Pluto as a planet, to cleaning cat puke off the rug. I may also voice some opinions on politics, and equally important, television networks and the way they continuously cancel my favorite shows. Or “re-write” perfectly good ones.

My typing skills and my grammar skills do not always work well together. So please feel free to POLITELY point out obvious errors. Also, please feel free to just talk to me. I will do my best to respond.

This brings us to another reason I am posting this online journal. I am trying to connect to the world and make new friends. Will you be my friend? Not stalker? Promise?

Well thanks for stopping by, I think it’s time I got back to work on this site and finished “moving in”. Hope to talk to you soon!!!

Ciao.

Daily delights

March 29, 2007

March 29th, 2007: Now I have millipedes….*sigh*

Okay, I really have no idea what the heck is going on in my homes “eco-system”. Last week I find a snake in the entry and this week I am being over run by one inch millipedes. I think they are coming in under the front door somehow. I counted over thirty as I vacuumed them up, then an hour later there were at least another thirty! And NO they did not come back out of the damn shop-vac. These were new. And what else you ask? Well the lazy cat gang didn’t care about these either.

This morning, I got up and viola! More damn inch long creepy crawlies. Must go to Home Depot and get door liner, and bug repellent. Fun for me!!!!

Ciao for now.